Today I’m talking about anxiety and how I interact with it through my art.
Anxiety is strange. One moment you’re fine and present, then suddenly that creeping feeling of unease comes in. It can take a wonderful moment and twist it into a nightmare. When anxiety has its grip on you, time seems to stand still and it feels impossible to escape.
Most of my life I’ve lived with anxiety that flares up in certain situations and during stressful seasons. I’ve grown quiet familiar with anxious thoughts and the uncomfortable sensations that come with them. In some ways, it became part of my identity, though I tried so hard to hide it.
Over time, the way I relate to anxiety has changed.
My tendency to worry used to be something I hated about myself, that I battled with and judged. My first instinct was to fight it, to divert it, to push it away. But the more I did that, it seemed to only get worse.
Countless times I prayed, “God just take it away,” but more often than not it remained. Though I’ve experienced specific moments of release from anxiety, it still comes around. This was so disheartening. It’s the kind of thing that can tempt you to give up on prayer and faith all together.
But God, in his grace, started to show me a different way of viewing my anxiety. Soon I started to see how anxiety could be an opportunity to encounter him in deeper ways.
I don’t think God can do much with us when we don’t admit we’re broken. I’ve seen God’s presence and power move the most when I’m honest about my weaknesses. We all have weaknesses, and anxiety happens to be one of mine that he wants to use in surprising ways.
When I accept my weaknesses, I make room for something beyond myself to enter into my circumstances.
It’s when I’m anxious that I realize my very real limitations. I’m reminded that I’m human, that I’m not fully in control, and that I need help. So instead of beating myself up for not successfully avoiding anxiety, I’ve learned to embrace it as a sign that I’ve strayed too far from Jesus and tried to do things on my own.
Through this journey of embracing my anxiety, I’ve found unexpected freedom. I may still have anxious moments, but I’ve discovered how to approach them more gracefully so they’re not as painful.
Finding the right ways to care for an anxious soul takes some trial and error. Along the way, I’ve found what helps and what doesn’t. Spending time in Jesus’s presence is top of the list, then therapy, and art.
Painting has become a sacred space for processing life, expressing emotions, and talking to God.
I can come to the table with whatever is on my heart and have a conversation about it while I create. There’s something uniquely healing about the process of painting that I keep coming back to. Mixing the colors, studying the shapes, making the strokes, it’s all a practice of mindfulness. I think I gravitate towards painting landscapes because of the serenity they offer. I love capturing the beauty and peace, so you can feel it anytime you look at the work.
My hope for my fellow anxious friends is that you may find a way that you experience God’s loving presence. Whether it’s creating or running or sitting in stillness, he wants to be with you in the highs and lows of life.
My anxiety may never fully disappear, but I’m so grateful for what it’s taught me and where it’s led me to.
If you're looking for a way to process your wilderness season experience, I created some free journal prompts to help you find clarity. Click here to download.
Photo by Tim Tankert.
